YA CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE
Ghosted by Friends and Family?
We widowers often hear that soon after the death of our wives, many friends and even family members may ghost us. This frequently occurs despite our best efforts to maintain these previously reliable and important relationships. As a result, we may begin:
questioning our likability, self-image, and ability to sustain relationships.
experiencing loneliness that can lead to isolation, depression, and self-condemnation.
becoming angry at others for deserting us in our time of need.
If we are brave enough, we may try to reach out to those who seem to disappear from our lives. In some cases, if done right, we may succeed in keeping some of these relationships. Doing this can help to build a foundation upon which our healing can build.
However, we may find that some former friends and family members are not responsive to our attempts to keep their friendships. This can be frustrating, and despite our other successes we may obsess over those who “got away.” You may become angry at them for not staying with you during the most challenging time in your life.
Ya Can’t Please Everyone
This is the point at which we need to recognize that in the words of singer Ricky Nelson, “But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well, You see, “ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.” (Garden Party, 1971) If you stay focused on who left you or why they left you, you may miss some golden opportunities to form new and even better friendships that are better suited to your new circumstances and your new evolving self.
There are many reasons why some former friends and family may not be responsive. These can include:
Needing time and distance to process their own grief,
Not being comfortable around someone who is grieving and not knowing how to be supportive,
Being used to relating to you only in a “couples” environment and not knowing how to relate to you as a single, or
Blaming you in some way for your wife’s death (this may not make any sense, but for some, it offers an easy alternative to really understanding what happened).
Think back to a time when a friend or relative of yours lost someone important to them. How empathetic and supportive were you? More than likely your response was not much better than what you are experiencing now from others.
You now have a choice!
Do you continue to self-condemn or be angry because of these failed relationships, or do you realize there may be some relationships you should just let go of? If you choose the latter, you may find that some of these relationships are restored down the road, but many never will be. So, as Ricky sang, “ya got to please yourself.”
Once you stop trying to salvage irreparable relationships, you can turn your attention to forming new ones! These may be other widowers, new friends met through new activities, or old friends or people you met in past lives. Sometimes your new circumstances allow you to do things you never considered while married.
Let’s face it, most of us become settled in our ways when we are married for a long time. That means forgoing the motorcycle ride, snowshoeing trip, scuba diving experience, Western dance lessons, climbing that mountain you always thought you would like to try, etc. The list is unending. Now you can try all kinds of things you would not have considered before.
What Would Our Wives Think?
And I believe that in most cases our wives would approve. They would want us to re-engage with life, find new outlets for our energy and creativity, make new friends, try new things, and form new bonds that make life enjoyable again.
So please, don’t waste one more moment agonizing over lost friends or family members, and focus on a future full of new ones. You may be surprised by how much you enjoy this new life once you commit to it.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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