CRINGE-WORTHY WIDOWER BEHAVIOR
During our early stages of discombobulated, slightly psychotic, and often delusional widower behavior, we may find ourselves reacting inappropriately in public, private, and even intimate settings. These may cause intense emotional pain, self-condemnation, and further isolation. Others, knowing that you are suffering, may let it go. But you may be punishing yourself by revisiting your self-perceived “cringe-worthy” behaviors over and over again.
Because we may feel that we are going off-track at times, we become fearful of interacting with others as we are well aware that we may react with anger, confusion, or deep pain to:
simple comments (e.g. How are you doing?),
inane comments (e.g. She is in a better place now.),
ignorant suggestions (e.g. Why don’t you sign up for a dating site?),
hurtful statements (e.g. If you had prayed more maybe she would have lived longer.),
intrusive statements (e.g. How much money and debts do you have now?),
assertive statements (e.g. You just sit down, and I will take care of everything.)
You cannot possibly anticipate the many variations of these that may crop up. And you cannot prepare yourself for the infinite variety of things that can suddenly disrupt your day and send you spiraling down a grief vortex that may seem impossible to escape. I especially experienced this during the first three months after my wife, Theresa, passed in 2015.
As you progress through your grief you will find that it becomes easier to ignore or at least minimize the impact of these statements. The best way to speed up this part of the healing process is to meet these challenges head on. If you have a strategy going in, it is easier to avoid going off the deep end when surprised by some comment or question.
The repercussions of our behavior can be devastating if they result in broken relationships with family or friends, loss of confidence, self-isolation, fear of interactions with anyone, and a loss of control over our thoughts and sanity. Once you start down this path it is tempting to just bury yourself in your grief and refuse to interact with anyone else. This only aggravates the worst of your symptoms and makes it incredibly difficult to exit your grief.
If you find yourself in this situation, try to recognize your need for help. This may include:
Joining online website and Facebook Men’s Grief Organizations (see my Resource page for more information: https://www.fredcolby.com/resourceslinks )
Participating in Grief Groups, preferably Men’s Grief Groups, if you can find one in your area
Signing up for one-on-one counseling with an experienced grief therapist (it does not matter whether this person is a man or woman…. both can help)
Reading blogs, articles, and books on the topic (again please see my Resource links)
All of these steps help you to realize that you are not alone, that what you are going through is normal, and that you will eventually pull out of this deep grieving.
Anyway, you get the idea. Take a deep breath, and then respond directly, and politely as possible to any comments that offend you. Ask others to please tell you the memories they have of your wife. This can be fun and eye-opening as you learn things about her that are new to you. If you take this approach, you will be able to better communicate with your friends and family and not fear that you will ruin your relationship with them.
Whatever you do, please do not self-isolate in your home for months on end. I know people who took this route and found it increasingly difficult to pull out of it. Months can easily turn into years with broken relationships increasingly difficult to repair.
I know it is difficult to take the steps I have recommended above, but I know thousands of widowers who have taken these steps and it helped them to heal and to eventually even enjoy life again.
Good luck my friends.
© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
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