As men we often just charge ahead and apply whatever solution we think is right based upon our own limited experience… no matter unhelpful it may be. Other times we may take the advice of a poorly informed friend or relative and take actions that are the exact opposite of what we should be doing…
Read MoreWhen we first enter deep grieving after losing our wives, we desperately try to hold on to her. This can include (as it did for me) going through all the old photos, slides, and mementos to try and keep her close. This leads us to continue living in the past, and not engaging in the present… or future.
Read MoreWhen things are going badly, and certainly the death of your wife qualifies, it is easy to fall into a spiral of negativity. Whether you were inclined towards a negativity bias before or not, it is easy to think that:…
Read MoreWhether you believe in God, Allah, Yahweh, or a spiritual universe, you probably have heard the phrase, “Don’t bow down to false gods.” When we are grieving, many false gods may tempt us and drag us into a pit of despair which can be hard to climb out of…
Read MoreWe speak often about how alone and desperate we feel after our wife has passed. And we know how this can lead to horrible decisions that can ruin your life going forward. So, what happens when we meet a possible “new best friend”? How do we know that our new friend is the “right one?”…
Read More“We often don’t know how much something has come to define us until we lose it.” Maya Shankar, Cognitive Scientist
When our wives pass, we have no idea how much our lives are about to change. …
Read MoreWe are approaching Valentines Day which can often trigger even more pain, regret, and loneliness. Unfortunately, it follows our emotional roller coaster holidays. It’s like a grief train that won’t stop and let us off. What can we do to survive these and other grief inspired challenges?
Read More… What we do want to share with others is so emotional, so painful, and so personal that we just don’t know how to communicate it. Let’s be blunt, men are awful when it comes to talking about feelings, desires, fears, and doubts…
Read MoreFamous writer, Franz Kafka, once encountered a little girl in the park where he went walking daily. She was crying. She had lost her doll and was desolate…
Read MoreWhen you become a widower and begin to enter the dating scene, you may hear the term “unicorn” being bandied about by women you encounter during this period. I heard it often during the first couple of years after my wife passed.
Overall, this is a good thing!…
Read MoreI found myself in a predicament one Thanksgiving eight years ago. It surprised me. Suddenly my grief (which I thought was under control 1½ years after my wife’s death) re-emerged full force. I escaped to my master closet and sunk down to my knees as full-on sobbing took over. For maybe five minutes I just let it run its course, and then suddenly it was over…
Read MoreErroneous advice often comes when we are at our weakest point while stumbling through our first year or two of grieving. We may be too weak to resist these suggestions… especially if they come from our family, close friends, or trusted advisors…
Read MoreRemember that feeling of peace, that feeling of being comfortable with yourself, your circumstances, and your marriage? Maybe you were 10, 20, or even 30 years into your marriage before you reached this point. Many of us were fortunate enough to have achieved that blissful stage of existence… even if it was only for a few moments here and there…
Read MoreIf you were as well trained as I was, you learned early on in your marriage to always put the toilet seat down! There is nothing that can earn the wrath of your wife more than going to the bathroom in the dark at night and sitting down on a piss-wet cold toilet base…
Read MoreIf you were fortunate enough to still share intimate moments with your wife before she passed, there is a good chance that you could experience intense desires for intimacy within days of her dying. And this can easily continue for months or even years…
Read MoreMost widowers, even the more extroverted of us, tend to shy away from discussing topics that seem too personal, too sensitive, or just plain uncomfortable. As men, we are trained to keep these things to ourselves. So we just don’t discuss them privately or in public. The negative effects of this are bad enough during normal times… but much worse when we become a self-isolated, lonely, grieving widower wallowing in our sorrow and thoughts at home…
Read MoreDuring our early stages of discombobulated, slightly psychotic, and often delusional widower behavior, we may find ourselves reacting inappropriately in public, private, and even intimate settings. These may cause intense emotional pain, self-condemnation, and further isolation. Others, knowing that you are suffering, may let it go. But you may be punishing yourself by revisiting your self-perceived “cringe-worthy” behaviors over and over again…
Read MoreAs I sit here on the deck of a beautiful cabin set in Colorado’s White National Forest, I cannot help but think back to my visit here ten years ago, almost to the day. That visit was about ten days after my wife had passed after a six-month battle with uterine cancer.
I was not in a good mental or emotional place then,…
Read MoreDon’t feel alone if you are thinking that you will NEVER be happy again… much less able to be successful again in important areas of your life. After losing your wife, life just does not seem to be worth living anymore.
However, immersing yourself in grief after your wife dies is unavoidable….
Read MoreAny of the following newbie widower mistakes can create situations that often cannot be undone. They may lead to complicated grief or widower’s syndrome. To undo the harm already done, it may take years of therapy, mending fences, and corrective actions. And these difficulties often lead to growing issues with alcohol and drugs which can only make all other problems worse.
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