Remember that feeling of peace, that feeling of being comfortable with yourself, your circumstances, and your marriage? Maybe you were 10, 20, or even 30 years into your marriage before you reached this point. Many of us were fortunate enough to have achieved that blissful stage of existence… even if it was only for a few moments here and there…
Read MoreRemember Frankie Valli’s hit song, “Big Girls Don’t Cry?” Many of us can probably sing a few verses. Well, like you, I learned the hard way that as widowers, BIG BOYS ALSO CRY! And we often find it to be a shock to our system.
Nothing can be more disconcerting for our sons and daughters than to see their father cry…
Read MoreSome of our best learning opportunities come from our worst experiences. I have had a few of those, and over time realized that I could learn something from each one….
You may have faced challenges like bankruptcy, losing your home, conflicts with loved ones, natural disasters, or a serious illness.
These experiences often come upon us suddenly and may seem insurmountable.
Read MoreIf you were as well trained as I was, you learned early on in your marriage to always put the toilet seat down! There is nothing that can earn the wrath of your wife more than going to the bathroom in the dark at night and sitting down on a piss-wet cold toilet base…
Read MoreMost widowers, even the more extroverted of us, tend to shy away from discussing topics that seem too personal, too sensitive, or just plain uncomfortable. As men, we are trained to keep these things to ourselves. So we just don’t discuss them privately or in public. The negative effects of this are bad enough during normal times… but much worse when we become a self-isolated, lonely, grieving widower wallowing in our sorrow and thoughts at home…
Read MoreAny of the following newbie widower mistakes can create situations that often cannot be undone. They may lead to complicated grief or widower’s syndrome. To undo the harm already done, it may take years of therapy, mending fences, and corrective actions. And these difficulties often lead to growing issues with alcohol and drugs which can only make all other problems worse.
Read MoreWe feel so isolated and alone when we begin our grief journey. Not only do we believe no one can understand what we are going through, but we feel unable or unwilling to convey what we are going through to others. We are often desperate to have our wives back in our lives… and find ourselves in a deep void that is beyond our comprehension or ability to explain to anyone…
Read MoreDon’t become the grumpy old man next door who is always growling at everyone because you think you are always right, and they are always wrong. Like the Tom Hanks character in the movie A Man Called Otto, you no longer have your wife to run interference for you or to smooth things over with those who you offend…
Read MoreWhen you first realize that you now have some unexpected options, you may not want them. They may scare you, embarrass you, or make you feel guilty.
Why? Because during the first few months of grieving the last thing you will want to think about are the choices that lie before you….
Read MoreThis is the second of two blogs on this topic. Part One outlined the Risk Factors, while Part Two deals with some solutions for the issues identified below.
There are several major risk factors faced by Widowers during their first year of grieving. Any of these can lead to life-threatening mental and physical health issues. Many, if not most of us (including me), have or will experience them at some point in our grief journey.
Read MoreThis is the first of two blogs on this topic. Part Two will deal with solutions to each of the following issues.
There are several major risk factors faced by Widowers during their first year of grieving. Any of these can lead to life-threatening mental and physical health issues.
Read MoreAsk yourself: “What would your wife want for you? Would she want you to be circling the drain of self-induced pain and grief, or would she want you to be active, reengaged with life, and continuing to find ways to love and be loved?”
Read MoreIt is easy during the first year or so after your wife’s passing to become so immersed in your own grief that you ignore the grief others are feeling. Let’s face it, during this time our grief is overwhelming! It often blocks out everything else so that we are unaware of much that’s going on around us, even though our survival depends in part on our ability to maintain our most important relationships.
Read MoreFriends and family members are often afraid to speak with a new widower… and with good reason as we are frequently emotionally traumatized after losing our wives. The following summarizes advice I shared during some recent radio interviews.
Read MoreShould the new girlfriend insist on removing all the photos and mementos of the past relationship? How does a widow/widower give their new relationships focus, attention, intentional care, and nurturing while keeping reminders of a late spouse hanging around?
Read MoreDo you think a widower (with proper time for grief and healing) can go on to love another as much as the late wife? This question was posed to my by a therapist and doctoral student, who works with Couples in Conflict Management. This article speaks to this and other difficult questions for widowers.
Read MoreI certainly don’t know everything! And… more than likely, neither do you.
One of the biggest shocks upon entering deep grieving as a widower is the realization of how ill-prepared we are to deal with it… much less survive it!…
Read MoreRecent headlines about the very brief three-month marriage of Widower Gerry Turner (the first Golden Bachelor) and Theresa Nist coming to an end raise some interesting questions.
The pace of the Golden Bachelor program is frenetic. It expects a Bachelor to identify, court, and then marry a new bride after just a few months of meeting and dating a wide variety of women. This is unrealistic…
Read MoreSex is a topic that we widowers often have difficulty discussing with each other, much less with friends, family, or even therapists. And yet, it needs to be addressed. Why?…
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