WHAT DID YOU LEARN?
Some of our best learning opportunities come from our worst experiences. I have had a few of those, and over time realized that I could learn something from each one.
My Personal Example:
Prior to losing my wife, one of my worst experiences was being fired from an Executive Director job for a non-profit organization in San Diego, California. I had been on the job for only a year.
I had no idea what I was going to do next. But something told me to just sit back, listen, and be receptive. Within a day I had a phone call from another area non-profit asking if I would do some consulting work for them! Within a week I had five clients signed up for one-year contracts, doing what I did best: strategic planning and fund development. I continued in that career for over 20 years and loved it. I met wonderful people, helped many good groups to become better and stronger, and learned many new lessons that helped me to become more effective at my job.
What I learned was to not react with anger or fear, and to stop and listen, and to be willing to try something new and different. This lesson has served me well ever since.
You may have faced challenges like bankruptcy, losing your home, conflicts with loved ones, natural disasters, or a serious illness.
These experiences often come upon us suddenly and may seem insurmountable. But like me, you may have also survived that experience and learned something invaluable that has served you well ever since.
The death of our wives certainly ranks at the top of the list for our worst experiences. And it is hard to compare to any other event, because the intensity and longevity of the pain and grief outstrip almost any other painful or shocking experience we might have.
However, like the loss of a job, friend or house… the loss of your wife will over time teach each of us some new and important lessons which can help us to become stronger, more empathetic and better people. Knowing this can help us to realize that our state of being during the first months and years, does not need to dominate our lives going forward.
A good place to start is to look back and ask, “What did I learn:
from her?
from our good and bad experiences?
from our successes and failures? and
from her death?”
After she is gone, we may ask ourselves difficult questions, sometimes in self-blaming, regretful, and remorseful ways that can lead to tailspins into unhealthy and depressing thoughts that only deepen our painful journey.
By reflecting on tough questions, we realize we've learned a lot and can continue learning in the future. We can apply these lessons as we help others as well as ourselves.
Since the death of my wife and after writing my book, Widower to Widower, I have interacted with thousands of widowers who actively strive to help their fellow-widowers and community. Often, they are inspired by the lives of their wives, who frequently served as models of empathy and love for others.
These widowers may offer peer support for widowers, volunteer at local hospices or hospitals, help others with chores, read to housebound elderly, make deliveries to those unable to go to the store, clean up their neighborhoods, contribute to area nonprofits, offer skills (e.g. bookkeeping, marketing, writing, etc) to area groups, and much more. It is simply amazing how many ways we can help others.
I can tell you from personal experience that these opportunities provide wonderful rewards, including love and appreciation. This in turn can give our reinvented lives a new sense of purpose and meaning which can help us to appreciate even more what we have learned from our wives though they are no longer with us.
Good luck my friends.
© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
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