TABOO WIDOWER TOPICS – Part 1
Most widowers, even the more extroverted of us, tend to shy away from discussing topics that seem too personal, too sensitive, or just plain uncomfortable. As men, we are trained to keep these things to ourselves. So we just don’t discuss them privately or in public. The negative effects of this are bad enough during normal times… but much worse when we become a self-isolated, lonely, grieving widower wallowing in our sorrow and thoughts at home.
Our failure to acknowledge and discuss these topics can lead to:
misinterpretation of what is happening to us,
fear of how others will react to us,
misunderstanding of our natural reactions to our experience, and
depression with subsequent destructive behaviors.
So, let’s get these out in the open here, and acknowledge them… that is the first step to healing and regaining some sense of confidence, and feeling whole again.
The topics I will address this two part series are:
Suicidal thoughts
Sexual Desires During Grieving including:
Constant arousal and masturbation
Suicidal Thoughts
(Editor’s note: If you are in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The Lifeline provides confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat.)
Gene Myers wrote in USA Today Network – New Jersey about why the risk of suicide is so much higher among older men in the U.S. He cited experts who say it reflects a pattern of growing isolation as men age. “Experts warn that men face a disproportionate threat. They are the most likely group to die by suicide.”
Based on recent data, men in the U.S. died by suicide about four times the rate of women – 22.9 per 100,000 compared with 5.9 per 100,000 (CDC statistics). And men over the age of 75 have the highest rate of suicide by a wide margin (43.9 per 1000).
As I have mentioned often before, we men tend to have few if any close male friends when we lose our wives. Many of us are retired from jobs that were the primary source of our friends and acquaintances. These usually fall away after we retire or become widowers. If we are not active in our community or church, it is difficult to develop new friendships as our work friends fade away.
We often have become overly reliant upon our wives as our one and only close friend who has become our sole companion at home and in outside activities. Without her spurring us on we frequently choose the lazy path, sitting at home by ourselves watching television or piddling around the home doing small chores. The Survey Center on American Life calls this the “friendship recession.”
It is difficult for widowers to reach out to others, to find and sign up for new activities, to begin from scratch while trying to build new friendships with both women and men. We often avoid discussing our struggles, but doing so is essential for healing and building supportive relationships as we move forward in life.
We may not recognize the emotional isolation that often builds quietly over time until we find ourselves completely cut off from everyone and everything. This can lead to suicidal thoughts including a sense of hopelessness, increasing sleeplessness, bad eating habits, and/or increased use of alcohol or drugs.
To overcome this challenge, we must do some things that are uncomfortable for many of us, such as:
reaching out to others for help – talking to friends and family, meeting with a grief therapist, joining a Men’s Grief Group,
signing up for special interest or activities groups in your area – Meetup.com is a good resource for this, reading groups, sports activities groups, dancing groups, educational groups, etc.,
volunteering in areas that interest you such as your local library, food bank, hospice, hospital, food delivery programs for seniors, etc., or
becoming active in your church if you belong to one, teaching Sunday school, helping with the yard maintenance or bookkeeping, etc.
· Forming a group of single men in your area who get together on a weekly or monthly basis just to have coffee, a beer, or dinner together. I and four other guys formed our “Beer and Bull” group five years ago and are still meeting every month. It takes time and effort to form these groups, but it is worth it.
If you reach out and talk to others, you are likely to be surprised by how many of them will genuinely want to help. And one sure-fire way to help yourself is TO HELP OTHERS! This gets you outside of yourself and your own problems, which are likely to diminish if you are involved with helping others.
Good luck my friends.
© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
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