TABOO TOPICS – PART 2
This is the second of two articles on topics often seen as taboo. Failing to confront important topics only makes our ability to heal even more difficult than it already is. Part 1 dealt with Suicidal Thoughts. Part 2 article deals with Sexual Desires During Grieving, including: constant arousal and masturbation.
If you were fortunate enough to still share intimate moments with your wife before she passed, there is a good chance that you could experience intense desires for intimacy within days of her dying. And this can easily continue for months or even years.
It does not matter if you are 30 or 70 years old. If you still have the ability and testosterone to perform sexually, age is not a factor. I can testify that these intense desires for the touch of a woman and for the sexual act can easily exceed what you felt when you were 16 years old!
Realizing that this is normal allows you to diminish the guilt and self-condemnation that may haunt you because of your desires and actions. Also, knowing this should help you to confront and then manage manifestations of this craving. This can help you to avoid some risky behaviors and relationships that might lead to more regrets and self-punishing behavior.
This desire for sexual release is often referred to as Widower’s or Widow’s Fire… and yes, it does affect women as well. In a blog appearing on the website thewidowshandbook.com, the author states:
“Widow’s fire describes the (sometimes) uncontrollable and all-consuming desire for sex following bereavement.
“When we lose our partner… we lose a lot of things. And one of those is the sex life that we had with our partner, either throughout the relationship or prior to them being ill. But it’s not just about losing the sex life we had. Grief and bereavement leave us with a void, and our libido can kick in to fill that void and provide us with the kick of feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones we need. Sex is also a distraction from grief, a way to take control back in our lives, a comfort, and something that makes us feel alive.”
“What to do when widow’s fire strikes? Masturbation releases the neurotransmitters and hormones, such as oxytocin, that make us feel good and also helps sleep. But it’s not enough for everyone.”
Sex is a topic that widowers often have difficulty discussing with each other, much less with friends, family, or even therapists. And yet, it needs to be addressed. Why? Because so many of us have so much trouble dealing with the topic.
It does not matter whether you are impotent or acting like a bull elk during rutting season. Either way, it can be a psycho-emotional and physical issue that is especially disconcerting during the deep grieving cycle in the first 6 – 12 months after your wife passes.
During my grieving, I found the sudden re-emergence of sexual desires to be especially troubling. It often would disrupt my ability to think straight, adding to my already challenging evenings when loneliness and a desire for companionship would become super-accentuated. You can easily fall into relationships that are unhealthy and potentially damaging to your physical and mental health.
A friend of mine, Maryann Karinch, wrote an article, Sex After Your Partner Dies for Psychology Today that addresses this topic. Her article provides “helpful insights for those craving intimacy in widowhood.”
Her key points are:
It's normal for people to miss sex and intimacy with a dying or recently deceased partner.
Friends and therapists may find it uncomfortable to initiate a discussion about sex after widowhood.
The loss of a partner can erode self-confidence, which can initially make it difficult to start anew sexually.
Rather than repeating all of the points made in her article, I am providing the link to it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/healthy-connections/202107/sex-after-your-partner-dies
Maryann (who is a prolific writer with her name appearing on the cover of 33 books) added the following on the sensitive topic of masturbation:
“You’re vulnerable after losing your spouse, and masturbation can fulfill an acute need for feel-good hormones—dopamine and oxytocin are key—while protecting you from an
impulsive physical relationship. Think of it as part of your coping toolkit rather than the
single tool you rely on to feel better. Masturbation is healthy if your healing strategy also
includes things such as dinner with friends, going to the gym, and, yes, social events to
meet people with whom you might eventually be intimate. But if you often think, “When
can I do it again?” that’s when it becomes disruptive and you need to chat with a
therapist.”
You may never have experienced anything quite like this and it is hard to explain these feelings to others. Add this to our already sleep-deprived and troubled emotional state, and you have a toxic mix that can lead to mistakes that disrupt or permanently ruin your relationships with family, friends, and/or workmates.
If these are issues that you are dealing with, please read these and other articles and take what you can from them. I always advise my readers to find what resonates for them and learn from that and then let go of the parts that don’t work for them.
I hope some of you who are suffering as I did during my deep grieving will find some helpful information and thoughts in this article. If you continue to struggle, please reach out to a therapist to help guide you through this.
© Copyright 2025 Fred Colby
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
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