WHAT NOW? SENIOR’S HOUSING OR ASSISTED LIVING?

For those of us who lost our wives later in life, you may soon hear the not-so-subtle suggestions that it is time for you to:

retire,
move into a senior living complex or assisted living center, or
give power-of-attorney over your life to someone else.

These ideas may originate in our own consciousness as we confront our new reality, and as we consider how to continue without the support we used to get from our wives.

Erroneous advice often comes when we are at our weakest point while stumbling through our first year or two of grieving. We may be too weak to resist these suggestions… especially if they come from our family, close friends, or trusted advisors.

What appears to be a loss of mental acuity, emotional stability, and/or decision-making ability may lead others to believe this is your new normal. They may assume that you cannot live alone and manage your own affairs. And a few may even see an opportunity to take advantage of you.

If you are unsure of yourself and your capacity to manage your life (perfectly normal), you may be too easily persuaded to take steps that are not in your best interest.

When my wife passed in 2015, I readily accepted the idea that if she passed, I must be on the downward spiral towards death as well. This led me to sell my home and move into a newly opened senior complex in the area.

Within a year I knew this move was a mistake and that “senior living” was not my cup of tea, nor was it where I wanted to be until the day I died, no matter how soon or long that might be. As a result, I ended up selling that place and moving into a new home I found in an area that I loved. If I had been a little more patient after my wife passed, I might have avoided this buying and selling of two homes and having to pack everything up twice.

I personally know of other widowers who were forced to sell their home within months of their wives’ deaths, who had to protect their possessions and bank accounts from greedy relatives, and who entered assisted living facilities well before they really needed to. All of us are more vulnerable after our wives have passed on, so we all must take steps to protect our independence, finances, and emotional well-being.

There are some steps you can take to protect yourself while you are processing your grief:

Follow the “No Major Decisions for One Year” rule (e.g. selling your home, getting married again, signing a power of attorney, etc.)
Draw up (or review) your Will or Living Trust with the help of an attorney if you have not done so already
Speak with financial advisors to review your finances and future financial needs before either becomes a problem. One good place to go for free guidance is: https://www.wingsforwidows.org/
See a grief counselor to help you through the grieving process, and to help you identify any warning signs about your decision-making process or how others are interacting with you (e.g. abusive relatives)
Become active again to jump start your healing process and to gain the confidence you will need to reengage with life again

And finally, find your new purpose! That may be helping a nonprofit, volunteering at the library, starting a new business, teaching a class, cleaning up the neighborhood, joining a board, writing a book, and on and on. There are endless ways for us to honor our wives by doing good, and endless ways to help our community. Both bring rewards that make living rewarding again.

Please see the following two blogs that may give you some more ideas:

· https://www.fredcolby.com/blogs/reinventing-yourself-to-survive-and-heal

· https://www.fredcolby.com/blogs/finding-your-new-purpose-helps-to-heal-you

Good luck my friends.

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Fred Colby is the author of:

Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.

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