BEFORE AND AFTER GRIEF COPING STRATEGIES
We are approaching Valentines Day which can often trigger even more pain, regret, and loneliness. Unfortunately, it follows our emotional roller coaster holidays. It’s like a grief train that won’t stop and let us off. What can we do to survive these and other grief inspired challenges?
The days just before and after our wives’ passing can be the most discombobulating, confusing, and depressing days of your life. There is no way to prepare for it, but there are ways to make it more survivable.
Grief can begin with numbness and then graduate to full-blown pain that dominates every moment of your day. At first you may acquiesce to it because you have no choice and it feels right that you should suffer so much for her. The physical, emotional, and mental impacts are often overwhelming. Over time you may start to wonder, "Wait, how long should I go on feeling this way? Will I ever heal? What can I expect going forward? Do I have a choice?"
This article addresses these and other questions that we as widowers often face during our grieving.
7 Steps Before, During, and After Her Death
You had a romantic wedding, celebrated the birth of children, and got comfortable with your happily-ever-after life. Then tragedy struck and you realized how fragile the human body can be. Suddenly, you faced the prospect of seeing the source of your contentment take her last breath.
During the early stages of your grieving, there are opportunities to help maintain your mental health. Seven strategies can help you begin healing while she is still with you. So, let’s get to it.
1. Stay connected to your spouse. One of my friends who beat cancer said the worst part of the battle was seeing a look of pity when someone noticed her bald head and pale skin—key signs of chemotherapy. It made her feel disconnected and rejected. A person with whom you have shared a lifetime of affection and challenges probably wants more of the same—not looks of pity. Don’t engage in avoidance or distraction; instead continue the relationship you have enjoyed for years. During treatment, my wife and I would have humorous moments while seeing how she looked in the many wigs friends gave her, ranging from long blond to short brunette.
2. Have conversations with the professional caregivers who become part of your life. They are skilled in palliative techniques (relieving symptoms, pain, and stress of serious illness). These skilled professionals are prepared to help patients and their loved ones navigate fear and confusion, as well as provide physical comfort.
3. Interact with family and friends. A website like Caring Bridge makes it easy for loved ones to offer comfort, humor, memories, prayers, and more over the situation. It’s also an efficient platform for responding to people who want to do something practical for you: “Yes, I’d appreciate a hot meal,” or “Let us know if you are interested in visiting her, we are scheduling visits when she can handle it.” I made a practice of reaching out to my male friends to meet me for a beer or bike ride, and I let them know upfront that there would be times when I might tear up… but, that it was o.k. and they need not feel embarrassed for me.
4. Share your experiences and feelings with others who are going through the same thing. Two months after her passing, I joined a Men’s Grief Group. The members contributed stories and insights that helped me through my grieving. Some of their stories became part of my book, Widower to Widower. It sounds cliché but knowing you’re not alone in your distress provides strength. By showing up for the people in your group, you can feel a sense of purpose in helping your widower brothers who are struggling as you did. Before the end of their first visit, almost every new widower would express their gratitude for the group being there for them.
5. Get one-on-one counseling. A friend I thought would never go to a therapist finally admitted he needed professional help to pull him out of his depression. After a few sessions, he stormed out of her office—angry that someone was arrogant enough to think she could help him! The anger was soon replaced by a commitment to healing. He now credits the therapist with saving his life. When with a therapist you are in a safe place, can say the things you need to say, and ask any questions you need to ask. It does not matter whether they are male or female. The only prerequisite I suggest is that they must have prior Grief Counseling experience.
6. Communicate with yourself. Go ahead: Talk to yourself. And answer yourself. You will probably have many moments alone in the coming days and weeks that would have been shared with your spouse. You need to know the sound of your own voice—to think out loud and listen to your thoughts. If like me you spent many years together with your spouse, trust me, you know the answer she would give you anyway.
7. Tell your story, over and over again. I found that each time I told the story of Theresa and me, I would feel just a little bit better. Sharing your story is therapeutic and brings comfort to both you and the one hearing the story. I would tell it to complete strangers, as well as to family and friends. Journaling is also a great way to express your thoughts and to heal.
And finally, in closing, know that what you are going through is normal and you are not going crazy.
Each of us has our own unique grief experience, but we can learn from the commonalities in our experiences. So, to heal, be open and willing to hear and learn from your fellow widowers.
Good luck to each of you.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
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