WE WILL CHANGE!
“We often don’t know how much something has come to define us
until we lose it.” Maya Shankar, Cognitive Scientist
When our wives pass, we have no idea how much our lives are about to change. The change is so dramatic that we often enter a “brain fog” during the first few weeks. Our mind cannot process what is going on.
We cannot comprehend that they are gone, and that our lives have changed instantly and drastically. We sleepwalk through the days trying to finish the simplest of chores, often forgetting what we said or did just a few moments ago.
We may be at a loss over what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. We may be in denial that this is our new reality and that we will be alone from this point forward.
Maya Shankar recently released her book, The Other Side of Change: Who We Become When Life Makes Other Plans. This self-help book uses cognitive science and personal stories to explore how unexpected life changes can lead to profound personal transformation, not just hardship.
I recently listened to a Masters of Scale podcast with Maya Shankar which I think many of my readers will find helpful. The book posits that “major life changes, while difficult, can lead to extraordinary personal evolution, revealing hidden strengths and new ways of being.” She calls this “Transformation through disruption.”
Ms. Shankar encourages readers to see moments of upheaval as chances to reimagine themselves, rather than just something to get through. As she says, “When big changes happen to us they inspire big changes in us.”
While not a rigid "five-step plan," her book offers tools and questions to help navigate change and discover new potential.
So, why am I giving her so much attention? If you read my blogs regularly, you know that I often emphasize the need to “reinvent” yourself in order to heal and re-engage with life again. We are often shocked when we discover that we now have an opportunity to:
try new things and activities,
meet new people,
become a more empathetic and better person,
open ourselves up to learning new skills, habits, practices, etc,
to help others and to improve our community.
Some of these new directions may include finding ways to remember, honor, and love your wife through writing, poetry, painting, gardens, scholarships, donations, volunteering, etc.
At first you may feel guilty (I did) because you are here and able to continue on with life, and able to enjoy it again. That is ok and perfectly normal. But as you begin to normalize these new activities and behaviors you will welcome these opportunities.
You will find that you have “new purpose” in life which your wife would celebrate along with you. I know that it can be shocking when you enter this new “life” of yours, but I can assure you that if you approach it with an open mind and let go of the guilt, you will find that your life once again has meaning, and this can be very rewarding.
Best of luck to you all as you enter upon your new journey.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred Colby is the author of:
Widower to Widower - available through most booksellers and libraries.
See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower