I Was Supposed to Die First!
Almost every widower I have met, emailed, or spoken to has at some point said this to me. I certainly felt that way after my wife passed in 2015. We both had some health challenges during our lifetime, but mine were the more serious ones and the more recent ones; so, it was a big surprise for both of us when she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and became seriously ill over a one-year period before passing.
These thoughts have been instilled in us from an early age when we were taught by our society, culture, and familial norms that the man was supposed to provide for his family and prepare them for the time when he would naturally die first and leave them to continue with their lives. This included buying life insurance and writing a Health Care Directive for the husband, not for the wife. And let’s face it, in most cases, women (wives and singles) outlive men by a ratio of 4 to 1 at age 55, and even higher ratios as we enter our 70s and 80s.
The widowers who have not felt this way often had wives who experienced long illnesses, sometimes dating back to their earliest years together. This can lead to anticipatory grief, meaning that they begin the grief journey before their spouse passes. While this may diminish some of the post-death symptoms, it does not reduce the pain and sense of loss.
This sense of feeling that “I should have died before she did” can lead to feelings of survivor’s guilt, as well as deep regret for not being able to “save” her. The reality is that there usually was very little we could have done to rewrite her last chapter on this earth. Most often, we probably could NOT have saved her by:
· diagnosing the illness earlier,
· finding a different doctor,
· insisting on a different treatment for her, or
· being by her side more before her passing.
Even knowing this, we continue to punish ourselves with these thoughts and statements. This often leads to self-punishing behaviors such as isolating ourselves from others, drinking too much, yelling at ourselves, ruminating over our past behaviors repeatedly, and even driving our friends and family away because in part we blame them too.
Sometimes we can only heal these behaviors by finding a good Grief Therapist (not a regular therapist) to help shepherd our way through this minefield of punishing thoughts so we can build our new normal and enjoy life again. Therapy, meditation, and yoga can also help to get our thoughts into a more peaceful place where we can gradually let go of the negative thoughts.
Start by realizing that constant ruminating on this false presumption (I should have died first) serves absolutely no purpose. It will NOT heal you or make you feel better about yourself. It will NOT make others join you in this self-punishment. And it will NOT make her feel better about you.
The more important steps to take are to commit yourself to:
· becoming a better person,
· helping others through this awful experience,
· celebrating all the good things from your marriage, and
· learning all you can from this experience and applying those lessons to your life going forward.
Realize that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change what has already happened. You now have a choice between two paths, with one leading to darkness and inertia, and the other leading to healing and life. Choose rightly, and you may well soon find that you can once again enjoy life.
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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