WHY DOES GERRY TURNER CRY SO MUCH?
OK… I confess. My girlfriend enticed me into watching The Golden Bachelor in which 73-year-old Gerry Turner (a widower since 2017) meets, dates, and engages in numerous activities (dancing, 3-wheeling, Pickleball, and more) while trying to determine if one of 22 women “candidates” would be someone to spend the rest of his life with. In the process, Gerry frequently finds himself in surprisingly emotional circumstances… and often cries unashamedly on camera.
This “crying” has been much spoken of during and after each show… especially by the women viewers. Many find his tearing up to be a sign of his maturity, empathy, and self-confidence; while a second group of viewers find it unseemly, unmanly, or a turn-off. A third group thinks he should not be on the show at all, believing that he is not ready for a serious relationship because he still is not over his grief for his wife.
Golden Bachelor is pretty tame compared to the regular Bachelor television series (at least so far). Gerry (pronounced Gary) comes across as a nice guy who is genuinely trying to find someone special. As you might guess, several of the women contestants vying for his attention come across as petty or as drama queens. But for the most part, they all appear genuinely interested in finding real love.
So, the question for many is, “Why does Gerry, a widower, cry so much? And is it normal?” As a widower, I can tell you that “crying” during and after the grieving period for a dead spouse can raise surprising issues for the widower. You can experience a range of responses from not being able to cry at all, to sobbing all the time… sometimes with and sometimes without actual tears. If you follow the series, you will note that often this “crying” is a tearing up, not a full-out crying. One commentator notes that the show tends to feature these dramatic moments to add drama.
In my book, Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship, I share that widowers are often confused by their reaction of either crying not at all or crying too much:
While this will vary from man to man, I found myself wracked by a form of crying and sobbing which consisted of gasping for air while sobbing full throttle, but without all that many tears. To me, it was comparable to the dry heaves as you gasp for air when trying to throw up, but you cannot. I experienced this often during the first month. Eventually, I learned to give in to it and let it run its course.
In Crying: The Mystery of Tears, author William Frey notes that men cry less in part due to physiological reasons, less prolactin, which is a hormone instrumental to tear production. This makes it difficult for men to connect with their bodies while in grief.
Thomas R. Golden, LCSW, explains in The Way Men Heal that testosterone plays a role in crying. The hormone subdues our crying response to an emotional situation and diminishes our ability to express emotions verbally while feeling them.
When out in public, with friends or with family, my crying usually was limited to a few tears or glassy eyes. Men naturally “tough it out” and resist the full-throttle crying that our female counterparts can often yield to so readily. At first, you may ask, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I cry for my wife?” Don’t condemn yourself for this lack of crying. It is what we are, and you just learn to go with the flow and know that you are grieving properly for her, and if possible, she knows it too.
In contrast to this difficulty with crying, widowers usually experience a growing sense of empathy after losing their spouse. Often in the Men’s Grief Groups I facilitated, men would break down in tears and be unable to talk or participate. Most widowers that I speak with remark on how empathetic they have become and how easily they can now “tear up” or break down into full-fledged crying. The reality is that as we progress in our grief, we may experience both extremes of crying not at all or crying at the drop of a hat.
In Gerry’s case, he may not have had an opportunity to process all his grief before the show began... even though it has been 6 years since his wife passed. And certainly, the circumstances he finds himself in demand that he be emotionally present for the duration. One cannot engage in a deeply personal and emotional conversation with potential suitors without bringing back old memories, regrets, and fears. Together these are triggers for an emotional response… crying.
Each of my fellow widowers will have their own unique grief experience and process their grief in different ways and at a different pace. Many things can explain this from having to raise children by yourself, maintaining a business, or dealing with a complicated financial situation. Any one or multiple factors may cause a delay in the grieving process. When this happens, we may be surprised to find ourselves back in the deep grieving process again years after our wife passed.
There is a reason widowers and widows are often drawn to each other. They are likely to be more empathetic and understanding of the pain each still carries with them. They also are more likely to be supportive and encouraging as they share memories of their deceased spouses. These memories are not meant to be suppressed and hidden away. They are markers of a life well lived and should be celebrated rather than forgotten.
So, as a fellow widower, I identify with Gerry and what he is experiencing. I can see how he might be surprised by his emotional response and not able to repress it. One thing we widowers do learn is to allow our emotions to emerge rather than try to suppress them. This helps the healing process to move forward healthily and positively. So, give Gerry a break, and let Gerry be Gerry.
© Copyright 2023 Fred Colby
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Fred Colby is the author of:
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