OH CRAP! NOW WHAT?
50% of Widowers Experience a Serious Illness Within 12 months of Wife’s Death
That was my reaction when I found out that I had prostate cancer and would have to start treatment soon. When you get prostate cancer, suddenly everyone you know is dealing with the same or a similar problem.
This is both good and bad. Good in that you have new friends to compare notes with, to mutually support each other, and to ask for advice. Bad in that you hear all the horror stories and all the latest fads in treating your illness.
We widowers seem to be primed to get all kinds of serious illnesses within a year of our wives passing. Over 50% of us will experience a major illness in the first year of grieving. All the stress, physical and emotional pain, lack of sleep, and isolation combine to create a weakening of our immune systems. Consequently, we are susceptible to all kinds of diseases and bodily breakdowns, as well as mental health threats.
You Have a Choice
If we allow our grief to continue unabated and wallow in our grief for too long, and if we try to try to self-medicate with alcohol and/or drugs… then we are just opening the door to other health problems that may make matters worse. Aging by itself is enough of a threat, why should we add to our existing challenges?
Believe me, I was there as a new widower 11 years ago. Four months after my wife passed I was rushed to the hospital for an emergency hernia operation. One week later and minus three feet of intestines I returned home to recover. Before this experience I was deep into my grief and depression. I ignored my deteriorating health and continued with my bad habits. Not once did I even consult with a doctor. After all, the drive to live was greatly diminished.
My Journey to the Emergency Room
When I went to the Emergency Room, I was ready to die on the operating table. In fact I welcomed the opportunity to rejoin my wife. I instructed the doctors that I wanted a “Do Not Resuscitate” order in place in the event I died on the table. However, instead my survival became a wake-up call for me.
I realized that maybe, just maybe, God and the universe had other plans for me… and that maybe I had more things to do before departing this earth. My daughters were thrilled to see me begin to be myself again, and to see that I started to speak of the future again instead of focusing only on the past.
How I Found a Path to Healing
I won’t say it was easy, it was not! But over the next few months I became more active, joined different activities with new people I had never met before, and sought answers in many different places. The transition was gradual, but now I was committed to healing… and that made all the difference in the world. I started searching for and reading more helpful materials, and I began to challenge myself to become a better person… the one my wife believed in all those years. I attended groups dedicated to finding answers to life’s challenges, and listened to many talks by experts such as Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now), Deepak Chopra (The Book Of Secrets), and Brené Brown (Daring Greatly).
By one year out from her death I was better able to appreciate what she had meant to me, while at the same time finding new ways to honor her by giving back to my community through joining two nonprofit boards of directors, by being a more involved parent and grandparent, and by writing my book, Widower to Widower: Surviving the End of Your Most Important Relationship.
You Will Still Have Challenges
So now seven years after her death I was facing another physical challenge with my prostate treatment. But, this time I was mentally and physically ready to meet this challenge and I fully expected to continue giving back to my community as I moved forward.
We each need to find our own path to healing in our own way. I just hope that you don’t have to have a medical emergency to wake you up, as I did.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
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