ARE YOU GREEN, YELLOW OR RED?
Why is this important? Well, do you ever wonder whether you are going crazy? Or wonder what your state of mind is and whether you can “fix” it so you can live a normal life again?
As men we often just charge ahead and apply whatever solution we think is right based upon our own limited experience… no matter unhelpful it may be. Other times we may take the advice of a poorly informed friend or relative and take actions that are the exact opposite of what we should be doing.
For example, we might:
Shut everyone out and sit in our room being miserable all day, or
Start breaking things like glassware, bottles, walls, or
Throw things away (e.g. wife’s clothing) without thinking about the consequences, or
Leave on a poorly planned trip to who knows where, or
React angrily towards family, friends, and neighbors for trying to help or not trying at all, or
Experience sleepless nights that lead to a disconnect from reality and hallucinations, or
Quit our job, sell our house, and run away, or
Start drinking or doing drugs guaranteeing our continued decline, or
Start dating too soon and fall in love with the first gal who is nice to you, or
Become obsessed with your need for intimacy, leading to more bad decisions.
If you are stuck in one or several of these common patterns, how do you recognize it and how do you deal with it. One starting point is to use techniques frequently used by professional therapists.
Green, Yellow, and Red Color Codes as Indicators of Our State of Mind
Therapists often use color codes to help patients to easily self-identify their current mental and emotional state so they can take steps to reduce stress levels.
Originally this framework was designed to help children by using four color-coded zones to help them understand and communicate how they are feeling. (Dr. Essence Rivers, Customized Behavioral Healthcare). However, given the state of mind of the widower during the first year or so, I believe this framework works well for widowers as well.
These color codes help us identify our emotional state, regulate behavior, and manage stress:
1. Green represents calm/focused, happy, and ready to learn.
2. Yellow signifies heightened emotions/caution, such as being frustrated, anxious or excited (heightened state but still in control.
3. Red indicates extreme, anger, overwhelmed and out-of-control feelings that require immediate support.
David Ko, CEO of Calm (the online Meditation service), encourages us to use these Color Codes to find out where we are in terms of our therapeutic needs. If your state of mind is:
Green – therapy provided by CALM and similar online providers may be sufficient
Yellow – online therapy is not enough, you likely need additional support such as group therapy or individual counseling
Red – you definitely need individual therapy and more to address your issues.
Using these color codes can help us to identify when we are leaving the “Green” state and need to start using coping strategies to stop us from reaching the “Red” zone. When we are in the “Yellow” zone we can be alert to our emotional state and take steps (e.g. stop and breathe slowly) to calm our state of mind.
Once while driving with a friend to get a meal, I started to use the power window to close the window on his side of the car. I almost caught his arm in the rapidly sliding window. I immediately recognized that I was in an agitated state of mind for some reason. This warning helped me to start to calm myself. Quickly, my emotional state of mind became more “Green” than “Yellow.”
If you find yourself in a “Red” zone, the ability to recognize it can help you to avoid having the situation spiral out of control. These are the times it is good to have a trusted therapist who you can call to help talk you down to a more manageable state of mind. I found my therapist to be of immense help during these times.
In my case, besides my therapist I had a sister who had become a trusted confidant who I could call when I needed to talk things out and get some thoughtful and honest feedback. As a former therapist, my sister was able to help guide me through my more challenging emotional states. For the more difficult issues I would wait until I could speak with my regular therapist. Having more than one “safe” person you can speak with is a blessing.
You can use these Color Codes to better recognize and even anticipate those times when you might need help to navigate what you are feeling. Knowing that you are going to be in a difficult situation (e.g. seeing old friends, meeting with your attorney, going through your wife’s possessions, etc.) allows you to prepare for it by categorizing the level of stress you might encounter, and putting some counter measures into place before the event, such as:
Breathing exercises
Taking a break
Making sure you have enough time to do the task without feeling pressured
Asking a trusted family member or friend to help you with the task
Writing down a plan for addressing the task
Pausing before you start the task (or meeting) to calm yourself and let go of any fears, anger, anxiety, or doubts
Be grateful for any help you receive
Mentally go to your happy place (e.g. mine is imagining myself on a beach)
If this topic is of interest to you, please see the interview with David Ko on Masters of Scale: https://mastersofscale.com/the-most-stressed-wellness-ceo/
Good luck my friends.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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