CAN I STOP GRIEVING?
When I asked former members of my Men’s Grief Group why they stopped attending, the most common response was, “I just did not want to grieve anymore,” and/or “the group became a downer after I had begun to feel better.” I often have heard the same from widows who had stopped attending co-ed grief groups.
Grief Groups
Grief groups provide an invaluable service as they help participants to see past their own pain, see that they are not alone, and that they are not going crazy. Being able to share experiences is therapeutic, and when our words help another, we feel validated and better about ourselves.
Men in particular benefit from Men’s Grief Groups. Unlike women, who often have a strong circle of friends, men are lucky to have one or two good friends. This lack of support can lead to extreme isolation and increasing loneliness, pain, and a feeling of being trapped in your grief.
Both widows and widowers spoke highly of the grief groups and how this had helped them over a period of months or years to process their grief and begin to experience some semblance of normalcy in their lives again.
As the intensity of my own grief diminished, I too began to ask, “Why am I still going to grief group? Am I forcing myself to re-experience the grief and sorrow which has begun to decrease? When I hear widowers in their first months of grieving it drags me down and makes me feel sorrowful again.”
Evolution of Grief
As a fellow widower put it, “Sorrow is a natural response to loss. But grief can become an unwillingness to accept what is. Lingering disappointment comes about because there is a tendency to transform your loss into a story instead of accepting it as an event.” (Bill J.)
Bill’s point is that if you want to heal, you will eventually have to allow the grief experience to recede from the forefront of your thought into the category of “most important memories” which make you who you are today. This does not mean an abandonment of your wife or of remembering her, but rather it is the allowing in of new experiences, opportunities, and even joy into your life going forward. Grief will continue to be a part of your life, just not as the constant companion it is in the early going.
It is natural for widowers to ask themselves, “When is it o.k. for me to stop grieving and/or attending group?” You may feel guilty because you are not there with the other men who have been in the foxhole with you over the months or years of your grieving process. You may assume that you have only two choices – to attend all meetings or to stop going altogether.
When Is It a Good Time to Leave the Group?
As a Men’s Grief Group founder and co-facilitator, my hope is that when a participant gets to the point of feeling that there are diminishing returns for him from attending that he will consider dropping by once in a while to update the group on his evolution as a widower. Possible times to revisit your grief group might be at “anniversary” times (birthdays, anniversary of death, wedding anniversary) to get a little support during a rough patch, or just when you feel that you have something to share with others on how you dealt with the challenges you faced.
It is important for widowers in the earliest stages of grief to see that there is hope, and that others have emerged from their grief and are living rewarding full lives again. Only those who have gone before them can provide new widowers with this assurance. I encourage all widowers to find an area grief group if they can, and to go so long as they feel they are getting some benefit from attending. Once you are ready to move on, be willing to continue sharing what you have learned with others when you can do so.
We are a band of brothers who hopefully have learned from those who have gone before us, and now it is our turn to support those who come after us.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
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