NEGATIVITY BIAS
When things are going badly, and certainly the death of your wife qualifies, it is easy to fall into a spiral of negativity. Whether you were inclined towards a negativity bias before or not, it is easy to think that:
· everyone and everything is working against you,
· all that was good in your life is gone,
· you are doomed to a lonely, miserable life going forward, and
· the pain and grief will go on forever.
Well, I have both good and bad news for you!
Bad news: You are right, and you may end up experiencing all of those things and more if you remain trapped in this negativity bias.
Good news: You can still find some good in your life that can help you overcome all of these negative messages.
How do you do this? By focusing on what is still going well for you! I know this may be hard, but even for the most miserable of us, there usually are some (maybe only one or two at the start) things that are going right. If you focus on these each day for at least a little while, you will gradually begin to pull yourself up out of the pit of despair you find yourself in.
After my wife passed, I found myself buried in the pain and grief. I realized that I had to pull myself out of this, if not for me, then for my children and grandchildren. I began to make a more concerted effort to focus on the great and long and rewarding relationship I had with my wife.
To remind me of this l created a sheet which I posted above the toilet in the master bathroom. The goal being that I would have to look at it first thing every morning when I got up to take a leak.
It began with, “Start every day with gratitude for” and then listed things and people like my:
Wife
Daughters
Family
Friends
Neighbors
Workmates
Home
Trips
Good experiences
I would take a few moments to remember some special moments that we had, some special places we visited, some challenges we met and overcame, and some of the poignant moments such as when our children were born. Each of these gave me something to hang on to that helped me to feel just a little bit better as I began my day.
Along with this, I learned to laugh at myself more. I found humor in all the delusions and warped sense of things I sometimes had during this grieving period. If you don’t learn to laugh a little at yourself, you might go crazy. Laughter is a great counter to all the nagging thoughts that try to constantly drag you back down into grieving.
What is Going Well??
And finally, I learned to stop and be grateful for the things that were going well for me despite the loss of my wife. For me this included writing my first book, Widower to Widower. It also included settling my financial issues, finishing all of the title changes, and maintaining my relationships with my children, grandchildren, and friends. I proactively reached out to my friends who generously responded and would join me for a beer once in a while. As I progressed, more and more things seemed to be going in the right direction. I took this to heart and that gave me courage to continue on this path.
I won’t say it was easy. IT WAS NOT! But gradually I could see and feel the progress that I was making. This encouraged me to stay the course. Over time, that Negativity Bias diminished into nothingness and no longer threatened me and my mental health.
So, I encourage you to choose to fight the negativity and to find your own unique ways to reengage with and enjoy life again.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
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