WHY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE IS CRITICAL
Widowers, you can’t think your way out of this one!
Usually our analytical brains put our IQ (abstract reasoning, memory, and problem-solving) to work to solve whatever new challenge we are facing. But when we lose our wives, these old standbys fail us. Instead we have to turn to our Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to make some sense out of our scary new reality… BUT, we find our EQ is woefully inadequate because of years of neglect.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is critical to our survival as humans. Without it, we cannot establish and maintain relationships which are at the very core of our being. Those with little or no EQ when facing the loss of a loved one, may have difficulty grieving.
Why doesn’t anyone talk about EQ in relationship to grieving? How does the lack of EQ make AI so risky. If AI cannot identify with the human condition and challenges, how can it offer any real help??
And the same goes for human grief therapists. Can they possibly help a widower if they don’t have Emotional Intelligence? Everyone talks about IQ, but they usually fail to discuss how critical EQ can be during our most challenging personal moments. Even if you have been a relatively empathetic and loving person during your lifetime, you may suddenly find yourself struggling with these attributes after your wife’s passing.
As we progress on our healing journey, we often find ourselves responding to others inappropriately. Sometimes this may be expressed with:
an angry response to a simple query (e.g. How are you doing?),
sinking into confusion because your brain fog mind is just not processing things properly,
misinterpreting a woman’s kind expression or words as being an invitation for an intimate relationship, OR
being unable to manage relationships with family, work mates, or friends.
During the shock known as grief, our normal behaviors, sense of parameters, and responses may be severly compromised. This can lead to mistakes that are difficult to undo. How do we recognize this and how do we confront it and restore our normal Emotional Intelligence behaviors. What do I mean by this?
Emotional Intelligence is the ability to understand and manage emotions in yourself and others. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman’s widely accepted framework, the five key characteristics are (my comments on how this relates to the widower experience are italicized):
Self-Awareness: The ability to recognize your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and how your moods impact the people around you. (I know that I had severe doubts about myself in these areas during the first year or so after my wife’s passing)
Self-Regulation: The capacity to manage impulsive feelings, control your reactions, and adapt to changing circumstances rather than acting rashly. (Boy did I struggle with this for the first year. It was scary and at times I wondered if I was going crazy)
Motivation: A drive to achieve goals for personal fulfillment and internal satisfaction, rather than relying solely on external rewards like money or status. (It is not uncommon for us to lose our sense of purpose and self-satisfaction during our deep grieving, and external rewards may mean little to us during this time)
Empathy: The skill to understand the emotional makeup of other people and treat them according to their emotional reactions. (This is one area in which widowers often find dramatic improvement after experiencing their loss. I finally understood what a loss like this could mean and I became much more empathetic towards others after Theresa’s death)
Social Skills: The ability to build meaningful connections, manage relationships, communicate clearly, and resolve conflicts effectively. (It can seem like you have gone backwards as you try to retain or build relationships. You may find that you have to communicate more clearly because you no longer have a partner helping you out with this. Resolving conflicts may be beyond your ability for a while, as your focus may have become more inward looking)
These five key characteristics are great areas for you to focus on during your healing process, especially if you have a therapist who will help you on this journey. During the first year or so after losing your wife, these areas are of particular importance. Until you have a psycho-emotional balance it is hard to effectively address many of the practical issues facing you, such as:
Adjusting to living your life alone now
Keeping or selling your home
Stabilizing your finances (especially if your spouse did most of this)
Resolving any tax issues that emerge out of her passing
Taking good care of your health
Continuing old or starting new activities
Finding new ways to give back to your community
Whatever you do, don’t turn your back on your EQ. It is a vital part of your healing process and can help you to build your new self going forward.
© Copyright 2026 Fred Colby
All rights reserved
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon.
See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower
Website:Fred Colby, Author